DMN 07/04/2014 - Hobo With a Shotgun

Drunken Movie Night! Tonight's feature: Hobo with a Shotgun. Fair warning, there may well be swearing and other inappropriateness in the comments.

• Rutger Hauer!
• Scum Town looks even worse than Detroit.
• Noooo! Not his recycling!
• Never expect mercy from The Drake.
• But he is a shitty fucking weird little animal, so there is that.
• I think I'm going to need more booze for this one.
• Why would a hobo want a lawnmower?
• HG: They dont even have lawns to mow..
• Exactly! But he was looking at it longingly in the window, and his bum sign (where do they get the markers for those) said that's what he needed the cash for.
• That guy didn't really need his head anyways.
• HG: Nobody uses them anyways..
• Lawn mowers, or heads?
• HG: Heads :'D
• That makes a bit more sense.  :)
• Holy shit, that's a lot of cocaine.
• HG: Winter came early this year..
• IT'S SNOWING!
• Best pickup line ever? "Are we gonna fuck or what?"
• Citizens arrest!
• HG: That was used in the movie? Did it work?
• "Mother Theresa is a goddam saint!"
• It was used in the movie (by a hooker), but it didn't work... the hobo--who does not yet have a shotgun--laid down the law when the guy tried getting a bit feisty.
• Wait, when did they upgrade/downgrade from Scum Town to Fuck Town?
• Hello, Abby!
• "If a bear's claw were ever to strike your face, it would take your face right off of your skull... and you would die from it."
• I still can't believe Rutger Hauer took this role.
• I feel like there's a Twisted Sister song going through his head right now.
• Not just a regular robbery, but a goddam fucking robbery.
• Go go, hobo! Although I do have to wonder why the Pawn Shop left that shotgun loaded.
• "You. Go home to someone who loves you, right now. And you? You're fucked."
• Delivering justice, one shell at a time.
• "When life gives you razor blades, you make a baseball bat covered in razor blades."
• Holy shit, that guy just one-upped Tonya Harding and killed somebody with an ice skate.
• I could be wrong, but I don't think people actually explode like that.
• Running down a dark alley is always a good idea. Always.
• And I know they don't explode like that.
• "What are you doing?!?!" Obviously not playing any of the Resident Evil games, or he'd be using far less ammo.
• Man, she ran really well in heels.
• Okay, but now he's trying to walk around in the skates. I don't see that working well.
• "I'm gonna wash this blood off... with your blood."
• One of the bad guys reminds me of Tom Cruise, only tall.
• And crispy fried.
• "Please don't shoot my dick off!"
• I can agree with that one... that would suck.
• The Plague is definitely rocking spurs. On a motorcycle.
• Wait... you can't solve all the world's problems with a shotgun?
• Never bring a gun to a sword fight.
• Unless it's a noose-gun, apparently. I don't think you can actually generate enough force with one of those to lift a human body off the ground, though.
• The plot thickens! Now there's a hooker with a shotgun.
• Wait, what the fuck? Is that a giant octopus?
• "I promise you, when I get outta here, I'm gonna bite your face off."
• You know you could've just bashed the window in instead of shooting it, right Abby?
• Dang, she just got awesome.
• Why is that guy making lightsaber sounds when he moves?
• Holy shit, she made a lawnmower shield.
• I'm not sure what it's powered by, but it just fucked the shit out of 1/2 of The Plague.
• And now she just stabbed another guy to death with her wrist bone, after losing her hand.
• Sooo.... wow. That movie was pretty fucked up. I'm glad I had a decent amount of alcohol in me.

DMN 07/12/14 - Drinking Buddies

Drunken Movie Night! Tonight's feature: Drinking Buddies. Usual disclaimer: crude/foul language may or may not appear.


Olivia Wilde and Anna Kendrick? I don't even care what happens in this movie.

That guy totally looks like a brewer.

Remind me to never work for Jason Sudekis. Or however he spells himself. Or at least his character.

That looked like a really shitty signature.

Hell yes your fucking beer!

Hello, Anna!

Good answer. Leaving with Anna Kendrick is always the right answer.

Olivia Wilde does not look sexy in a bike helmet.

And Pete! Pete from The League!

Why is he drinking water from a wine glass?

That didn't actually look like food. I'm really not sure what she just put in her mouth.

Whiskey! Now he's speaking my language.

Olivia in a bra might not hate it.

Feeling bad after sleeping with her is the wrong decision.

Anna agrees: avoid the hipster beards.

Of course he'll be a dickhead. That's what entertaining coworkers are for.

Why the fuck would Sisyphus be smiling?

Also, the fact that I can still spell Sisyphus right on the first try means I probably need more to drink.

Yeah, they're totally going to swap ladies/dudes.

Joe is outside! Too bad we have no idea who Joe is, and never get to meet him.

If this were just about any other movie, the cabin scene would mean that somebody is about to die.

No lady things in the thing. Got it.

Damn. In the daylight, that is a really nice cabin.

It is hard to figure women out.

And I am an interesting, polite gentleman.

Sadly, that doesn't really help.

Although I haven't had a chance to hike in the woods with Anna Kendrick (hereinafter referred to as AK), so maybe that would make a difference?

It's a tarp. How the fuck is that amazing?

I am fucking kidding you.

It's a picnic backpack! With a cheeseboard! \

"Here's to not fucking around."

That might be the best sandwich ever, except I see tomato in there. So... not so much

Inquiring minds want to know... why is your heart beating so fast AK?

How are these couples actually couples?

 I wonder if there's a sound collection of making out somewhere, or if they just have a really good directional mic?

So far, this movie makes no sense. TGFEK

Or TGFEC, even. L2Spell, n00b.

Learn to math, movie character!

Dear Olivia Wilde (hereinafter referred to as OW): You either need ear plugs, or sleeping pills, or more booze.

Your mom lost a lot of money earlier.

I'd fuckin' pass on bridge too.

Euchre, on the other hand... bring it on!

How does fucking sand differ from normal sand?

Is fucking sand making baby sand?

Topless OW wants you to go swimming. The correct answer is to go swimming.

Awkward....

So... yeah... I made out with your friend's girlfriend. I hope that's cool. I mean, you showed him your boobs and all, so I think we should be even.

So you're telling me there's a chance!

I'm pretty sure that dude (and every dude) doesn't have a pussy.

"It's like swallowing a burnt condom full of gas."

I still prefer one from a friend who shall remain nameless, since his wife may end up reading this: "That's like wasting a good rubber on a fat chick."

"It's hard once it starts goin' in." That's what she said!

Ohhh... Jim is the boss!

Star Wars!

In the future, you can mentally Instagram.

How many shipping crates do you want? ALL OF THE SHIPPING CRATES!

I can tell I'm not drunk because I'm not accidentally tagging friends who have the same names as the characters in this movie.

By not drunk, I mean not too drunk. I'm definitely a little bit drunk.

That would totally defeat the purpose of DMN if I didn't.

/slash wasn't.

I could never be mad at you AK!

How could you be mad at this face?



That awkward moment when you're jealous that somebody else is making out with OW, even though you're dating AK.

What the fuck were those boots?

ONE FUCKING BEER! I think it was actually said in lowercase, but it's more dramatic this way.

Women always smell good.

I'm pretty sure he's not smelling Dave.\

Veggie lasagna? You just lost all sorts of cool points.

*Looking at mostly full suitcase* "You doing some packing?"

No, I'm actually making dessert. You like T-shirts, right? What the fuck does it look like I"m doing?

How else do I know I'm not too drunk? I haven't liked any of my own comments or statuses. Statii?

I guess I could think about getting married to AK. If I absolutely have to.

Wait, what? You just broke up with OW, and now you're letting her back into your apartment?

Wait, she has balls?

Well, had... she's sweated them off now.

Whoa, window ledge creeper.

Yeah, Costa Rica is exactly like Mexico. Except that you're less likely to get your head cut off.

Cuba is a shitty idea.

Even the Cubans know that.

How weird is fuck?

Maybe him not answering our questions should've been a sign.

I predict eggs.

Prediction: success!

You're out of paper towels.

I think he might not be as into you as you are into him. Which is like the backwards story of my life.

NO FUCKING SECONDS!

Wait, where did that half roll of paper towels come from?

"Careful with my pussy."

It was a cat statue.

That's what you get for not making a move when she showed you her boobs.

If you were waiting for the opportune moment, that was it.

His girlfriend is in Costa Rica. That was a failed comeback.

She's not even tall enough to use that mirror.

Psh, that beer was worth at least a dozen fries.

I'm still not really sure what that movie was about. OW's boobs may or may not have made it worth it.