Drunken
movie night! Tonight's feature is Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life.
- I know it wasn't one of the suggestions from last time, but this way I can finish off the series. Also, fair warning... may or may not involve swearing.
- And we start it off with a big fat Greek wedding. They look skinny, but I"m assuming it's their fatness that set off the earthquake.
- Because slowing down if for old people and fat kids, random Greek boater. That's why.
- The Lunar Temple! What are the Night Elves doing here?
- Product placement! I wonder how much Panasonic paid for that?
- Hello, wetsuit!
- Hmm... the visual effects are reminiscent of a SyFy original movie.
- And that's why the Green Party hates rich people... destroying coral for no good reason.
- A temple that's been underwater for over a millennium, and somehow the torches still work. Totally believable.
- Where is she carrying all these flares?
- That was a completely impractical way of getting across those rails.
- Ninjas!
- Harpooned! Like a boss.
- You, sir, can turn in your ninja card.
- You know what blood means... sharks! Or maybe bears. But since we're underwater, probably sharks.
- Except apparently there's only one shark in the entire Aegean Sea.
- Holy shit, that's a lot of likes.
- Why are rich people in movies always either fat or Japanese?
- On the bright side, now I know what the death of a traitor sounds like.
- I'm not entirely sure how to type it out though, so you'll just have to use your imagination.
- Pandora's Box! Xena actually already found that.
- WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
- Freeze. Enhance. Enhance. Use predictive raster imaging to determine what's on the other side of the image. Enhance. Reverse polarity. Enhance.
- You know what would be awesome? Consistent volume, so I don't have to alternate between pumping the phat beats down to my neighbors and not being able to hear anything.
- Ha! Thought he looked familiar... Gerard Butler is definitely in this movie.
- We now pause for a sports update: Mariners are winning 1-0 in the top of the 9th. Felix has only thrown 86 pitches so far and is doing quite well, but unfortunately the offense is also playing up to their usual standards.
- *Random Chinese swearing*
- I wish I were a gojillionaire, so I could afford to know people all over the world too.
- Psh, Steve McQueen did it better. And he had to break out of a POW camp first.
- I'll look at your ass if I want to.
- Dude, you're acting like a girl.
- Product placement! Toyota time.
- Stabbing leaves blood. For an evil genius, you're kind of a fucking moron.
- The "never" part is the part I didn't understand.
- Bad guy fail! NEVER close to melee distance when you've got a ranged weapon.
- BS: i so wish i was there
- Bitch Maneuver X! An expression which one person might recognize.
- Riding down a rope head first makes total sense.
- Was she just using Google Glass?
- "Flower Pagoda." Thanks movie, that really narrows down our location.
- That's like saying your location is "at a lake" in a movie set in Minnesota.
- Bad guy fail #2: Never attend a dangerous meeting in person. That's what minions are for.
- Time for another... something.
- Ah, I remembered!
- Time for another reference that maybe a couple people will get: She has the biggest. Puffiest. Lips.
- And that's why you don't use glass ceilings in your building.
- Pew pew!
- Seriously? How did they not see that guy? Worst. Security. Ever.
- Also, shooting the monitors doesn't do a fucking thing. Lara Croft should be smarter than that.
- Shooting bullets into a shopping mall just to break some glass: good idea, bad idea?
- Only semi related. Lifting weights: good idea. Kicking weights: bad idea.
- Also, never flee upwards... far to easy to get trapped.
- Unless you're a flying squirrel, in which case you're probably ok.
- I don't think it's physically possible to land that gently.
- So, some crazy English lady shows up and asks to borrow your TV, and says it's important. Do you comply?
- Product placement! Panasonic is back.
- Dude, that's going to destroy your data plan.
- So I guess Alexander the Great had more advanced technology than we do.
- Dear neighbors: your pot still smells like pot. Either get something higher quality, or close the windows and just hotbox yourselves.
- YOU POLLUTED THE SERENGETI!
- Sometimes, I hate being a sensible drunk.
- But then I wake up in the morning, and I'm glad.
- Dear bad guys: You've got a fucking helicopter, why didn't you just go all the way to the top?
- Sports update! I realize you're fairly terrible Seattle, but why are you taking so long to beat Minnesota?
- Kind of.
- I guess it was more of a baboon, really. But whatevs.
- Zomg, it's Nocturne!
- "Make a formation now!"? WTF kind of command is that?
- No, that's more like if Maokai and Nocturne had a baby.
- *shoots next to foot* "The next one will be higher." Hey fucktard, that's still going to miss him.
- I think Escher would have a wet dream if he ever imagined this part of the movie.
- Gank fail.
- Pretty sure you just let some anti-life out. I'm also pretty sure that isn't a thing, but we'll roll with it.
- Saluka sassa. That's what it sounded like to me, at least.
- I'm pretty sure he didn't have that much hair before.
- The end!
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